The Fuckno Wars Ch 5 Deer Me

The Devil Takes Care Of His Own by Band Of Skulls

I followed them.  They led me along the corridor, and the hairs on the back of

my neck, my back, my ---

Well, let’s just say that I was not in for a good time.

Huh.

Their kind was now termed, “Okies,” because they had been poor farmers escaping the dust bowls of the heartland, and they were the first ones hailing from Oklahoma, to enter the Golden State of Califucknia during the Depression.

Well, the First Depression, that is.

Thus, they carried the most important things they had used during their hard lives.  These were spade-shovels, hoes, axes, hatchets, and other things that were portable.  They did not carry a team of horses or a tractor, nor any of the accoutrement that hooks up to a great amount of horse-power.  Accoutrement is a fancy French term that means, “shit that makes your life easier.”

They did not have an easy life, but they were not afraid of a little elbow grease.  That is what made them survivors, and that was the reason they were there with me in the corridor.

Those Okies wanted to take me to a room to meet a ghost.

And I wanted to bail.

Don’t look at me that way.  I was a frightened young American Indian transplant from an island in the middle of a huge river back east, who found himself alone in the desert, with a lot of angry dead folks shouting at me.  I just couldn’t hear them.

But they were crying dust now, and it made me sneeze.

Shit was all fucked up.

As I crept along the corridor, surrounded by them, I saw shadows scatter across the ceiling of this second-floor hallway from the light of the portable lamps erected upon the circular driveway to this mansion.  It gave me the willies.  Some bad folks had arrived, and they were coming in.

The old man ahead who disappeared from view each time he walked through one of the blades of light from each open door to the rooms on the front side, well, he stopped.

He pointed at a doorway on the other side of the hallway.

I felt the air grow colder.

I felt my skin begin to crawl.

I was not ready.

I slowed.  Then I heard the screech of boards as they were ripped away from the front entrance one floor below.  Now, you would think that such a thing would make you hurry, but I discovered something new.

I discovered why deer will act all paralyzed when they are facing your headlamps on your automobile.

This is why:

You encounter solid, impenetrable fear.  In this case, I did not want to meet some sort of great demon to which these blue ghosts were dragging me with their cold essence.

And I needed to get out, before the folks coming into the building would find me. Who know what they wanted to do to me?

And on the other hand, I had no where to go.  We three bastards had come here to find an answer, and it seemed to be beckoning to me from the door just ahead.  Tellesco was in the cellar now, and he could probably hear footsteps over his head.  He had his own fears to deal with, and you know that he was a bit of a scaredy cat.  But he had gone and done it.

It was this combination that made me freeze in my tracks:  It was the instinctual fear I had of what lay ahead, and it was the mental fear knowing that if I didn’t go ahead, all would be lost.  

Ya know?

Here are some things to remember when you see a deer in the headlights:

Do not honk your horn.  That will make a deer go left and right and left and right.  Deer do not understand what horns mean.  It makes them stop to think about their lives and the problems they have caused.

Do not flash your headlamps hi and lo and hi and lo.  That simply alerts them that they should stand still.

Never drive into the woods or rocks.  You have a much better chance of surviving an impact with a soft deer than rocks and tree trunks.

Instead, aim to drive around the ass end.  If it’s a male, there might be antlers, and the other end is moving away from your trajectory unless you spook it.  If you hit it's ass end, you have a better chance of surviving than if the front end of the deer comes in through the windshield.  The front end has more bones and mass.

Never, ever swerve and brake at the same time, baby.

So I swerved and braked. 



I swung around.  Fuck ghosts.  I hate them.  I ran away like a scared little bitch, and I could not get away fast enough.

At that same moment, I heard a holler from below.

And then there was some shouting.  As I ran past the little hole I could not see, from which I had crawled through, I fell in my panicked state onto the floor.

I was like a fucking spooked deer in the headlights, but I was in the dark.

I had the creepy crawlies all over me, and I scrambled around on my hands and knees, feeling along the soggy wallpaper for my exit.  I saw light shining in from the front windows, and I headed to the nearest one.  I was going to go out, fuck this shit, head for the light. 

Like a deer.

Well, do you know, all sorts of glowing farming tools came blasting at me and then there were angry dead people’s faces in my face, and they were shouting.  Boy were they pissed off at me.

I fell onto my back and then they did something odd.

They all gathered around me and made a grab for my arms.  They faded almost from view, and they fucking dragged me down the corridor.  Their ice cold hands made my damp jacket crackle with ice.

Never piss off a ghost, huh?  Never piss of a herd of them.  I had no idea that ghosts could get pissed off enough to cause things to happen.  Neither did Tellesco.  He had told me that they couldn’t hurt me.  But perhaps they could do such things.

They let me go in front of a doorway and I rolled over to run away again.

I saw a white glow from inside the doorway, from the corner of my eye.  Never look in a darkened room when you see a glow.  Never leave the bedroom door open to a darkened hallway when you are going to sleep, in case a pale face peeks in upon you.  Close up your closet door each night as well.  These are portals.

I looked in, and I saw Lorelei.

I felt my legs buckle.

She was right there, standing inside the pitch black room.

I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or shit myself.

Another Perfect Catastrophe by Dana Leong

See you on the weekend for the Escape, and how we would do it, my friend.  Tellesco was in the cellar, and you never leave a man behind. 

God Help You.

God Help Us All.

---willies out.

Another Perfect Catastrophe by Dana Leong