You. Hate. i

.




80’s.



When i first saw You, i knew that You had it for me. You were a good teacher. Thank You for teaching me.


i learned from You.

















My new friend Sean was a large young man, and he could fight well. But i was new to this huge city that held the same amount of people as the state from which i had arrived.




My state is abbreviated ME.




My mental state was also abbreviated, but it was not me.




It was only i…







…i…






Alone in the desert, away from my river, on an island of ellipses.







i would learn.




i would learn hate from You.






i would learn to hate.







…i…





Hate.






You.




- - - - - - -



Sean and I showed up to the college football game with our dates.



The Bulldogs were playing the state championship and Sean was hungry to play for Fresno State when he graduated from high school. He wanted to check out the coaching staff, and also, the lovely cheerleaders.



Of course, he wouldn’t say anything like that to his tall, curvy lady Minacca with the long, wavy tresses…



… but I knew.



I think that she must have as well.



Sean was a slave to his impulses, you see.



Aren’t we all? Isn’t there something that you, my friend, cannot control?



If you say no, then you are either lying, or you have never been broken by desire, fear, nor even temptation.



What have you been doing all this time, here on this tiny blue marble that floats about in the eternity of space?



Have you lived, or died: been broken and then learned something about yourself?



Are you simply vicarious?



Perhaps there are things about yourself that you should not know.



Maybe we would all be better off not knowing such things.




Life should be easier, huh.







I would end up broken by fear, and I would learn to hate.





- - - - - - -


You was a huge body builder, and You showed up to the game with his crew. You flashed bravado, anger, and You was a bully.



You was the pact leader, each and every crew member wore cut-off arm sleeves showing off large muscle.



I had no idea that I had a pact (of two) until Sean pulled me aside and said, “Willie Boy, we have to go back.”



Hah?







“Willies Boy, we gonna go meet some friends.”




Well, shit, that sounded like fun. I mean, we had blazed to heights of glory in my date’s car before entering the gate area, and I was feeling quite groovy. Such a thing was new to me; poor Injun who was a bit of a science nerd back in my own state.


My friends had nicknamed me “Professor” only because I was a bit studious, and not because I professed to know much at all.



Some friends of his might be nice to meet, right?




There, in the beautiful state of California, I had decided to re-invent myself.




So I shrank back from our ladies entering the gate, and followed Sean.



This was going to be fun.



Or not.




“Sean, who are these friends of yours?”




“Some fucker just grabbed Minacca’s ass while we were in line.”



I hadn’t even seen that happen. I was busy following my date towards the gate stiles and then Sean had grabbed my arm. He ushered Minacca to the gate and told her to follow my date and get to our seats; we would be along in a bit.



Minacca looked fraught, but I’d had no clue as to why.



Until I did.



- - - - - - -



Sean led me over to a group of his friends who stood there in some sort of formation and he went right up to the guy in front of them all.



Sean said something to his friend, and the guy pushed Sean away, and he came up and stood right in front of me. You said to Sean, “This is your back-up?! This skinny dude?”



You laughed.



i shrank.


You shouted right into my face, “Pussy! Coming up here to fight with the men. Time to change your diaper, little boy.”



i was high, but i was low. i wanted to get back to my island. i wanted to escape.



i stood there, afraid, and i said, “I am here for my friend.”



You laughed, turned around to his buds, and You shouted at them.



“Lookit this twig! He manning up! I fucking love it!”



Then You swung back around and growled at me. “You ain’t nothing but a pussy. Go ahead, I’ll give you the first swing. I’m gonna hit you anyway, but you might as well have the first punch. Go ahead.”

His huge arms dropped to his sides.



You stood there for a looooong time, as i tried to give him a show.



But i did nothing.



i was trembling and trying not to show it. i gritted my teeth to stop my teeth from chattering.


My cheeks only quivered.


\Fai;l.




…fail…




Sean ran at him, and I bailed.



I shrank into the crowd, I hid in shadows, and I crept home along the side streets.


I kept looking over my shoulder as if they were still following me. PTSD, baby.


It took a couple of hours, but I made it home.



I was ashamed.



I was broken.


I was not …i…




i had learned to truly hate.




And,


i had learned something about myself.




It was not a pretty thing to see.





It was not a pretty thing for me to know about me.




For whatever reason, perhaps you have learned something about yourself that you wish you never knew.











We are all on this tiny blue marble floating about in the eternity of space, but this is not all there is.



There is more than hate and fear.


Huh.



Even though i was a pussy, for whatever reason, i would get the upper hand.




i survived, you see.


i learned what it means to be in the face of personal danger that night, when i was scared shitless and felt shame.



i persevered, and i have become I.



Who am I?



Well, no one special or particular, I am only one of Us.




You see, We are all we have.



Not ME, not me, not i, but We.



We.




It’s kinda important.



You can do it.



I did.





God Help You.



God Help Us All.




---willies out.











Sorry, no Rammstein. That would have been the easy way out in this telling of truth.




The truth is all about Karma.




You will see.








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